Navigating the Expat Experience: A Psychologist’s Perspective on Life in France

“What stands in the way, is the way”

Marcus Aurelius 

Embarking on an expat journey, however wonderful, comes with its share of challenges that may impact individuals’ emotional well-being and social functioning. Whilst there can be a lot of commonalities and overlappings; it is true to say that not everyone finds themself on the same boat, nor on the same ocean. The expat or immigrant experience is impacted and dictated by a variety of factors such as our past history, mental health, host country bias’ and culture, age, race, sex not to mention our reason for moving :forced/voluntary? Happily/unwillingly? 

As a clinical psychologist, I work in supporting clients in navigating the complex terrain of the expatriate experience. 

Not everyone walks into the expat or immigrant experience and has a hard time. And for some that do, the hard time is fleeting moments, rather than months or years. But I thought I would write an alternate post to the ‘life is forever flowery since we moved to france’ and address a few things that can be painful learning curves in the moving experience; which is not to negate that expat life can be rich, colorful, invigorating, liberating and inclusive. Sometimes it is often a bit of both, just like anything in life. 

 I think sometimes there is a simple usefulness in just naming things so that we can separate from them and see them as an experience, rather than the reality of who we are, is helpful. In hearing things we might have felt or experienced (similarly) laid out we can see or reflect -oh that is how i feel, or how i felt  -and also -oh others feel that too – a little bit like having one’s mood lifted or altered through listening to music or lyrics or seeing artwork that accurately depicts it.  I believe that in naming things, we are allowing ourselves to un-blend from the experience so that we can actually hold it, rather than drowning in it. Our experience can then become less overwhelming, and also more possible to carry, as just one part of the multiple aspects of our human experience, rather than shading the whole thing in with its colors. And I have also seen with clients again and again, that perspective and distance from any experience gives space for a sense of genuine compassion for any hardships experienced.

Throughout this blog post, we will explore several key aspects of the expatriate experience, including homesickness, -isms, changes in relational dynamics and power, language and cultural barriers and  relationships in a new culture as some of the potential challenges of living in France. 

 As Marcus Aurelius said « What stands in the way, is the way ». Whilst this wisdom existed long before French bureaucracy was carefully created to short wire brains, this is essentially about making your challenges into what feeds you and helps you grow, and I hope that this piece will help you reframe any situation you have collapsed around or avoided into a challenge and creative opportunity that can make you stronger and deeper, whether you are considering a move abroad or have already settled into your new home. 

Homesickness

“The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned” — Maya Angelou.

As we explore the expatriate experience, one of the most common and emotionally challenging aspects we will come across is homesickness. Homesickness is not only the yearning for familiar surroundings and loved ones left behind; but losing a sense of familiarity and belonging. These feelings of disorientation, disconnection, longing and dislocation are a normal consequence in any expatriate experience, but one that can feel very overwhelming at times.

Don’t be surprised if you are a confident traveler but have got hit by a new experience when you actually set up roots somewhere: the psychological landscape of relocation is a different one to traveling. When I moved to North America, I had traveled there first, with very few problems. I assumed moving would be a similar experience; but with the move the whole frame of my life had somehow shifted. I felt, in those first months, or maybe even years, somehow fragile, dislocated and groundless. 

I feel that in our culture of doing, striving, comparing and achieving; predominantly living in the world of thoughts; most of us are not well set up for changes or moves that shake our foundation and require us to be embodied, regulated and resourced internally. I know I experienced that as a 21 year old moving to Colorado. The solidity that I had experienced in my being was acquired unknowingly largely through “outsourcing”! 

Co-regulating with our environment and relationships  is in no way bad – our relationship with place and people is one of the most beautiful and enriching gifts we can hope to be given in this life. However, when it is our only source of stability and groundedness, it is psychologically dangerous and unbalanced, and we can find ourselves uprooted not only physically but destabilized and uprooted emotionally when we move to a new country. 

Any big change or loss shows us how we are organized internally, or may crack open space for something to emerge that had been carefully sealed away and forgotten.

So if you find yourself in this position with homesickness or longing for ease, security, belonging, both in your inner being and outer world, think of it as a two pronged situation with a multi coloured solution. 

First of all you get to slow down to your actual experience it; accept yourself as you are (not as you should’ be or as you want to be/  in comparison to the concept of you that has ‘no struggles and can sail through a move without any wobbles’ (I have one too!));… lovingly accept yourself as you are and open with spaciousness, curiosity, tenderness, respect and compassion to your unique and precious one of  a lifetime experiences!!! as they arise within you. (Reminder, Hollywood is Hollywood and any life, or person, with any depth and color, has both hardship and joys, and we do well to accept both of them with the same amount of appreciation, knowing that life gives to us with generosity and love that is not always understandable to the logical mind). 

As rumi is so famously known for saying : 

So one approach to homesickness lies in finding a totally new and revised  -upgraded even!! – relationship with yourself and your experience (which will benefit you in all areas of your life). 

This means that the wobbles and unwindings that can come with a move can actually be a beckoning back to (and foundation for) a deeper and deeper connection to your being, and to living a life from a foundation of connection, peace and love. 

If you follow the above approach, you are facilitating a sense of belonging and connection in your inner world! Now for the outer!! The other most visible aspect and therefore remedy to homesickness  is practical. You have lost the familiar voices, faces and vistas – familiar and known shops, walks, commutes, language, routine, food, even currency…..Of course this is impactful. Don’t rush yourself through any feelings, but don’t let yourself drown in them either; as in neither position are we actually unconscious caring relationship with our experience.  Be compassionate with your feelings whilst also taking them into account and taking engaged, compassionate action in response to them. 

As an adults we can build the patchwork of friends, places, familiar soundscapes and language, etc up for ourselves (and our children). Languages can be learnt, new routines can be built, new friends can be made, new places can become familiar, familiar dishes and music and dances can be played and made. We can put energy towards creating places and faces we can not just know, but also be known by. All this takes time, effort, discernment and to some extent, strategy. 

If we don’t let ourselves be pulled by emotions of overwhelm, loneliness etc into a hopeless place where we are unsure of our competency, we can in fact get rather practical about imposing routine on ourselves, imposing interactions (because sometimes when people are feeling vulnerable after a move it can feel like an imposition) – but these things quickly can yield joy and a growing sense of familiarity and belonging. Keep showing up to that one gym, or cafe, or library, or co-working, and you will start to feel a part of the new world you are actually already part of. 

To combat feelings of homesickness, it is useful to establish a routine and find ways to create a sense of belonging in your new environment. By immersing yourself in your new surroundings and building relationships with those around you, you can alleviate feelings of homesickness and create a sense of stability in your new home.  

Whilst as adults, most friendships typically don’t just fall into our lap in the way friendships did when we were a child, we can make ourselves available to new, healthy connections in a variety of ways. Joining local meet-ups, finding events on facebook, joining  (or starting) clubs or associations of any kind, art classes, or even Bumble best friend (an extension of the dating app for people to find friends) or pinning a note in one of your local shops for language exchange or to offer help and comâny for a local elder who might be feeling the strains of loneliness also.  These are just a few examples of the many possibilities for connection. I was surprised to meet one of my very best friends in France through BBF and felt glad I had been willing to be open to unknown avenues: we share the same age, same career and hobbies, same expat lifestyle and most importantly, both with space and intention in our lives to create new close friendships. 

When making new friendships in a new culture we also will face choices, others and our own pre-existing limitations, cross cultural challenges and joys. Some people do not need new friends, or even particularly want them. Taking this personally, is not only delusional, but unkind to oneself (and potentially others). There are lots of people, who like you, do have time and space in their lives and heart for new close connections. So focus on these, not chasing the golden duck, whoever that is 😉 

Whilst it is also very nice and enriching to have friends of the local culture, it is also often nice to have friends of one’s own culture, or who are at least foreign to the culture you have moved to. When I moved to Toulouse I was stubbornly determined to only have French friends. How I hoped to achieve this with the few french words I knew is still a mystery, but I was steely in my resolve! What I found out over time, is that most french women that I met had a very different way of going about friendship than I was used to, and that actually for me to feel really great about myself and my life, I also needed friends from abroad who liked to share the same amount of closeness in their lives that I -and they – were used to our friendships. Commonality is also very bonding (as well as joking rather rudely and ungrateful occasionally about one’s host culture). Expats also often face unique challenges when it comes to adjusting to a new culture, and it can feel cozy, warm and hilarious to have friends that you share the ins and outs of being “a foreigner” with. 

Additionally,I think it is essential to maintain contact with loved ones back at home, if you are so fortunate, through regular video calls, messages, and social media updates. Video calling is a real game changer for feeling the connection you have with loved ones, as you can see their eyes, facial expressions, warmth, and for me it just feels a whole lot nicer than phone calls! Maintaining connections to your previous support network will help stay connected to yourself and your sense of identity, which can be wobbled when feeling a little at a loss in a new place. 

It’s very important not to shame oneself for feeling or being lonely, which as a therapist working with expats I see quite a lot. Loneliness is hard enough, without being nasty, critical, blaming, self rejecting and shaming oneself about it as an experience. Can you imagine a little child, or even a friend coming to you, their heart aching with sadness, loneliness and overwhelm and telling them ‘well, it’s your fault..there is something wrong with you’. This is the externalized version of the painful relationship some people have with themselves and it’s not a state that makes homesickness any easier.  

Hard times and experiences, including homesickness, are in fact times when we most need kindness, appreciation and encouragement, and to stay in contact with our own values. You are not lonely through a flaw on your part (and if you are, this can be worked on also!). You are lonely because loneliness is an inherent part of the experience of moving countries. 

Disillusionment can also be part of homesickness. You might have looked toward your future in France with rose tinted glasses, imagining a romanticized fantasy of happiness, amour eternelle, contentment and anything else that was promised to you in a perfume ad featuring a naked lady spiritually communing with traffic in Paris. In the same way we can be disappointed by what we hoped for in a relationship with a person, we can be disappointed by what we might have hoped for in our relationship with a place, culture or country. 

I, unlike many others, moved here with no great love of France or the French. I therefore had no real illusions to shatter, nor fantasy foundation upon which I was building my life. This made the uphill grind with bureaucracy and the efforts in growing a thick skin retroactively to protect me from inexplicable rudeness not the harsh slap in the face and fall from an ideal or salvation I had pointed my ship toward it could have been, had I romanticized life in France. (Slap in the face nonetheless sometimes!) But it was easier to bare, because I didn’t have a preconceived idea about how happy I would be here; or that France was going to make me happy or fulfilled in imagined and unimagined ways or fix completely unrelated issues in my life. (That type of delusional and stubborn madness was saved for my younger romances!) The move was functional, and I felt I was responsible (to an ever growing extent), for my own happiness. 

For those who move here with a deep seated, yet rather unrealistic love for the French and French culture; I am sorry if you have encountered a different reality. Sometimes things live up to our hopes and dreams; go smoothly and sometimes not so much (as is the case in any brave change). Homesickness can really take root and permeate those who had grand hopes of a life with no emotional lows here. But all that can be combated with a realistic reframe and letting go of past hopes to adjust to your present reality. 

The inverse can also happen. 

Just as people might find that they moved to a country that doesn’t exist (outside of their minds and movies); some people might romanticize home to the extent that they are missing a fantasy, rather than a reality, of what life was really like. I fall into this category on occasion at the beginning. Initially I clung to the idea that anything I encountered that I didn’t like; from a friendly scattering of dog poos in the street outside my home or the outright rudeness of the dry cleaner, would never happen in England or America, with the delusional desperation of a drowning person clinging to a banana. It was unproductive to think this way as it didn’t help me deal with my feelings or the reality in front of me. It was also dishonest, as people can be artfully impolite and aggressive wherever they are found if you come across them in the wrong way, on the wrong day or the wrong lifetime! So if you have this particular neurosis of romanticizing what was –  know that it is not going to help you walk through and out of homesickness, but rather keep you stuck there in an uncomfortable and often disconnected limbo land. Best to go home if you can and want, or make it work here. Romanticizing what was or could be stops you living a rewarding and fulfilling life, living up to your full potential and capacity, in the here and now. 

And remember, homesickness isn’t just about missing friends and family – it’s about losing a sense of belonging and familiarity.  So find ways to create solace, comfort within. You can do this through meditation, guided visualisâtion even reading your favorite poems. But re-find and re-visit frequency home within frequently, as a committed, worthy and essential mission. What we give our time and attention to grows, so paying attention to ways you do feel at home, and a sense of home within, grows this experience in ever widening circles until this is the state you are back to living in. 

Experiences of racism and sexism as an expat or immigrant in France 

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.” — Martin Luther King, Jr.

As an expat or immigrant in France, you may encounter prejudices and discriminatory behavior based on your ethnicity, gender, or other characteristics. France is a country that ‘does not recognise race’ and where some politicians and leaders like to say racism doesn’t exist because of this (race is not registered/recorded and therefore no racial statistics or profiling can happen). However, this does not mean that racism and sexism do not exist. This is too large a topic to discuss in this piece but will be discussed later, in a paper dedicated to exploring this subject. 

I was also startled at the level of institutionalized sexism I found not only in social policy, banking, etc, but in the formation of male female relationships, including romantic relationships. These are both topics I can not do justice to in any way in this short mention, other than point to their existence, and encourage you to speak to people both in your immediate and in your extended circle, to hear about their experience, their advice, their reflections and insights on the matter, or what you can do to support them. It is always good to have our perspective heard, validated and responded to. 

Understanding the cultural background of the country and becoming aware of any prevalent prejudices and stereotypes may also help you identify potential triggers and prepare for intercultural conflicts. Building a support network of like-minded individuals and trusted friends and having a group of people who understand your experiences and provide emotional support can be crucial.

In France, there’s an anti-discrimination commission you can contact if you face any form of workplace or societal discrimination based on race or gender. It’s important to be aware of your rights and how to file complaints or pursue legal action if necessary, and people in your community can help you with that.

Obviously one encounters the limitations of the law and other regulatory bodies in every country. This is why it is important that people are engaged in creating allyship to support people who encounter daily discrimination. If you are not the target of discrimination, just because you don’t in a way belong to France, it belongs to you, and you can become part of a solution to support inclusivity and a celebration and equality of everyone, no matter where they are from. 

Language and cultural barriers

“Do you know what a foreign accent is? It’s a sign of bravery.” 

― Amy Chua

Language barriers can be one of the most significant challenges for expats, leading to miscommunication, missed opportunities, and frustration. Language barriers not only limit basic communication but also hinder social bonding, work and integration within a new community. 

The key to overcoming these challenges is to invest time and effort in learning the local language. Seek out language classes, partner with a native speaker, or use language learning apps such as Tandem or Preply to enhance your linguistic skills. Having a kind, open, accepting language teacher who will help you with all parts of french communication – verbal and non verbal is essential and will make all the difference. 

I had been in France for over a few years when I met Pascal, a french native and son of immigrant parents, teaching French online from Bangkok! He was so encouraging and could explain to me some of the obstacles I found in french culture so that they made sense to me, emotionally and cognitively. With his help I found an ever deepening ease within the culture as both my verbal and cultural fluency progressed because of this kind and knowledgeable, open minded teacher, who was able to self reflect on, and introduce, his own culture and language to me in a way I could understand. 

Unless you are really into BDSM, don’t torture yourself with a critical, haughty teacher who jumps on your mistakes and is keen to impress on you their own superiority, the superiority of the French language and culture and basically destroy you in the most vulnerable time of your life. Think of the qualities you look for in a good friend and maybe try to find them in a French teacher! 

Romance in a new culture

JE NE SAIS PAS OÙ VA MON CHEMIN MAIS JE MARCHE MIEUX QUAND MA MAIN SERRE LA TIENNE.

-Alfred de Musset

Expats may find themselves navigating uncharted waters when it comes to romance in a new culture. Romantic norms, expectations, and behaviors vary across cultures, from courting practices to gender roles and relationship definitions. 

Not only that, but you may find yourself much more isolated, needy and generally overwhelmed, which can lead to either self isolation or making impulsive and undiscerning choices when it comes to relationships. Don’t let homesickness, loneliness or homicidal urges towards anyone involved in the french paperwork system guide you into a relationship! 

Again, this is a topic that warrants much more exploration, but a general rule of thumb is that expat and immigrants are balancing a lot of novelty and challenge in a new move, typically without much ground. Go slow, and try create as much ground as possible so that you can be more sure footed in walking the path of love. Be patient and allow yourself to adapt to navigating a romantic relationship in a new culture that can be both daunting and exciting. 

Changes in Relational Dynamics and Power

When moving to a new country, relationships can undergo significant changes. Being aware of these changes and understanding the dynamics of power in your relationships can make the transition smoother.  Expats often find themselves in a power-differential relationship in their interactions with friends, partners, and colleagues. If you have moved here with a French speaking partner, it’s good to have honest, curious and supportive  conversations to explore how the relational and power dynamic between you has shifted, and what you choose to both do consciously in response to this to support each other.  

Stating the obvious, but respect for cultural differences can help in enhancing the relational dynamics in an expat’s life. It also helps them to avoid feelings of isolation or exclusion. Expats may face differing power dynamics and relational challenges in their new cultural context. In a new social environment, individuals may find themselves in a position of “otherness” and at risk of social exclusion.

Expats need to be mindful of their own shifted personal context,  different cultural nuances and their impact on their relationships. Additionally, you can make sure to maintain your sense of individuality, even as you navigate the new culture.

People might become aware of the role they took for granted or were just unconscious of. I didn’t realize how much space I took up in a group until I was stripped of my capacity to be intelligent, understanding or funny. I realized how these ‘character’ traits, that I had thought of simply as myself, were actually defenses against underlying insecurities that I got to work through in standing much more ‘naked’ in front of people. I also became aware of the role I had previously taken in groups and came to value other roles, such as those who contribute through their presence, but not so much through their words. I started to be nourished by taking a different place in a group of people and now feel I get to choose more where and how to place myself and be more conscientious of inclusion and exclusion within group dynamics. So you see, there can be a silver lining in anything, including social ostracisation 😉 

To prevent feeling isolated, it can be useful to practice sensitivity towards differing mentalities and social mores. I realized, for instance, that the openness and smilyness I had got used to living and extending to people, was often seen here as either a rapid invitation for sexual intercourse (!!!) or a sign of stupidity or weakness.  You have to adjust to the cultural mores of a place in order to actually be seen and related to clearly. Whilst sometimes this can feel like losing yourself or your integrity, it actually is just like learning a new language through which to express something honest through: consisting of codes, of body postures, of habits, etc : adjusting your language so that people can receive you and really see you. 

Adapt and respect the values and norms of your new community while maintaining your own self-identity and values and remember that your true culture will live inside you and you can stay true to it in the way that is important to you.  In France, brushing up against the routinely practiced idea and cultural philosophy that coldness, judgment, arrogance and hostility are a social grace and a sign of marked intelligence 😉 I came to realize that my true culture is one of the heart. No one and nothing can take that from me (apart from myself and my own flaws!), and I can continue to live from that place, with anybody, and in any circumstance. 

Learning about power dynamics within relationships can be also useful, giving you a bit more a map to understand some of what you might be experiencing and help you reconnect to others as equals. Don’t hesitate to seek support from mental health professionals or expat support groups to better manage expat-related stressors such as shifting power dynamics, culture shock and personal challenges. 

Conclusion

“In every ending there is a new beginning.” 

― Deborah Harknes

In conclusion, moving abroad and starting a new life can be both exhilarating and challenging. From adjusting to new cultures, maintaining relationships, dealing with homesickness, and navigating cultural and language barriers, expat life offers unique experiences and opportunities for growth. However, it also presents its fair share of challenges. By adopting a proactive mindset, seeking professional help when needed, and building a strong support network, expats can navigate these challenges and make the most of their move abroad. Living happily as an expatriate isn’t just about adapting to changes – it’s also about embracing them and using them as stepping stones for personal and professional development. While the expat journey may have its difficulties, it can also lead to a richer, more fulfilling life overall. 

Please reach out if you would like support in whatever chapter you are at in your life, and whatever stage on your journey. 

Warm wishes,

Elise